How Disagreements Rock Your World!

Our brains are incredibly sensitive to nuances and meta-messages. Our need to belong and to be important in each others' eyes is strong; yet there are many ways we signal each other that show that we are not. Disagreeing with another's point of view is the case in point.

When we disagree with someone, we are sending very subtle signals about who is up and who is down - who has the power and who does not.

Disagreements in the Workplace

Disagreements lead us right into the dance of power - the "alpha-alpha" dynamic. Conflicts and disagreements in the workplace, set off people and cause tensions about power and status.

Disagreeing with someone is not just "disagreeing with their point of view, or the information they are sharing. Disagreeing can communicate the following "meta-messages" if not careful:

1. I am right, you are wrong.
2. "You stupid idiot" (YSI) - how could you think such thoughts.
3. How could you see the world that way.
4. You must be blind to the truth

Truth-telling Instincts

Human beings have built in hard-wiring for truth-telling. When we disagree - our truth-telling sensitivities are activated - and we feel the truth or the absence of truth at the deepest levels of our being. We all want to trust our observations and beliefs; however, disagreeing can challenge US at the core of who we are. Disagreements are not felt as disagreements about 'facts and data.' Disagreements are about 'whose view of reality is true.'

When we challenge each other's perspectives, we trigger the Amygdala - the part of our primitive brain that is associated with 'fight/flight/freeze or appease.' The neurochemical reaction to conflict goes deeper and permeates other parts of our brain such as the Prefrontal Cortex, which are associated with our 'executive functions.' Conflict is such a powerful trigger, that when 'conflicts and disagreements' arise between us - we get 'Amygdala Hijacked,' which means we get emotionally threatened and triggered!

Get Smart...

Here are some tips for avoiding getting into an unintended conflict with others:

DON'T SAY
Don't say, "yes - but" - and then deliver your perspective.
The "but" negates anything that came before that appeared like an agreement - and turns
the conversation into a combat.


DO SAY
Alternatively, saying "yes - and"
creates an extended conversation that builds on ideas - it says, what you said is really important,
and let's take it one step further. The "and" invites further development of the conversation and expands perspectives. I call this type of conversation "co-creating" and when people in the workplace make a shift to a co-creating style - even when they don't fully agree with others - it moves people away from adversarial behavior and into collegiality.

DON'T SAY
When a colleague or boss uses the phrase "respectfully speaking" it is not generally taken for face value. Instead, it is translated into a way of saying.... "I know I should respect your position" - "BUT" I don't' so here goes with what I think.

 DO SAY
"I understand what you are trying to say - help me with this aspect." I'm having trouble seeing how to get from here to there. This is an invitation to talk more deeply about beliefs or observations, it takes you out of the positional dialogue where you are going back and forth one-upping or arguing about what is right, and it invites people to be open to influence.

Advocating vs. Inquiring

In summary, when we get into conversations that make us feel adversarial. We see people in "persuasion" using high levels of Advocating (their point of view). Sometimes they are Inquiring, however, the intention behind it is to learn what the other person is thinking so you can turn the conversation back to "winning your point."

Sharing and Discovering

As an alternative, "agreements" come more easily when people are open to influence, and when we get into conversations that feel like partnering. Where people share and discover from each other - and where they open the context and framework for both to gain new perspectives. Then agreements are a natural outflow. Even if you agree to disagree - it comes with the spirit of respect.

If you would like to gain more insights into how to have Co-creating Conversations®, how to move from adversaries to partners, please check out my best-selling book Creating WE: Change I-Thinking to WE-Thinking and Build a Healthy Thriving Organization. 

We are pleased to announce that we are now offering Co-Creating Conversations® workshops and certification courses.


Judith E. Glaser is the Author of two best selling business books:

Creating WE: Change I-Thinking to We-Thinking & Build a Healthy Thriving Organization - winner of the Bronze Award in the Leadership Category of the 2008 Axiom Business Book Awards, and The DNA of Leadership; the DVD and Workshop titled The Leadership Secret of Gregory Goose; and editor and contributor of 42 Rule for Creating WE, an Amazon bestseller.

42 Rules for Creating WE' Becomes Amazon Bestseller

42 Rules for Creating WE' Becomes Amazon Bestseller By Offering New Approaches to Difficult Conversations

On September 17th, "42 Rules for Creating WE" was one of the fastest-selling books on Amazon, having achieved sales that brought its rank to #1 in the Leadership, Management, Motivation, and Organizational Behavior categories, and the #2 fastest-selling book in any category on that day.

Why did this book strike such a cord? Read the press release...

Judith E. Glaser is the Author of two best selling business books:

Creating WE: Change I-Thinking to We-Thinking & Build a Healthy Thriving Organization - winner of the Bronze Award in the Leadership Category of the 2008 Axiom Business Book Awards, and The DNA of Leadership; the DVD and Workshop titled The Leadership Secret of Gregory Goose; and editor and contributor of 42 Rule for Creating WE, a newly published Amazon bestseller.

Contact: 212-307-4386

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Can I Trust You?

As long as we feel we are gaining, not losing, we play as WE. However, our fear is that someone will get more. The fear is always: I'll trust you and then you'll stick me in the back.

Even though most of us value being considered a partner, the ability to work together interdependently is one of our least-developed skills. This skill is so vital that, in its absence, good leaders turn bad, good executives become ineffective, and good colleagues turn into adversaries. The skill of opening up to others - and of creating the emotional space for others to open up to us - requires deep trust. Trust is the most precious of the golden threads. Without it, there can be no WE.

When we open up WE to include partners outside of our conventional thinking, we encompass stakeholders and allies beyond the traditional boundaries of the enterprise - including vendors, customers, and donors. We expand the way we work and how we generate value. After all these years, we are starting to see how shifting boundaries - throwing the net wider - is a way to achieve alliances in a new way. With the golden thread of trust, we can weave our lives together like a beautiful tapestry.

WE-centric relationships are built on trust. I trust you will not harm me, and you trust I will not harm you. When we have that level of trust we do no't feel the need to duck into protective behaviors. We automatically assume a mutual support, and we move forward from there.

When we experience doubt about the good intentions of others, for whatever reason, we need to recognize the importance of having the kind of conversations that bring us back to trust. Creating the space for open dialogues enables us to reclaim trust with others.

5 Vital Questions

There are 5 vital questions that, if not addressed on an explicit level, will be working 'behind the scenes' eroding trust at every corner.

• How do I protect myself?
• Who loves me, who hates me?
• Where do I belong, where do I and fit in?
• What do I need to learn to be successful?
• How do I create value with others?

As we interact with others, we are asking and answering these 5 Vital Questions with every interaction. Our human communication system with others is designed to send energy out and get an answer back. As we send out these questions in the form of direct questions or indirect messages to others, we calculate our 'coordinates with others' and navigate either with them or against them. When we are seeing to understand where we stand with others, we are listening, I-centrically. Once we get these questions answered we energetically shift into a "WE-centric" relationship and trust will emerges.

Co-creating a Book is Like Giving Birth!

The 5 Big Questions are key to the health of a relationship, team and organization. These fundamental questions are what propelled a team of us - 18 coaches, consultants, and practitioners at the Creating WE Institute - to do an experiment in co-creation and trust building. We decided to work on writing a book together!

When we started our co-creating conversations, we didn't know what each other was thinking about - we trusted we would find a way to build a conversational space for our best ideas to emerge - and we did.

We didn't know what we would do if we had conflicting ideas that would conflict, or too many ideas. We trusted we would find a way to work through it, and we did.

We didn't know if our ideas were strong enough of big enough, yet as we listened to each other's ideas, and became inspired by what others had to say - we did.



Judith E. Glaser is the Author of two best selling business books:

Creating WE: Change I-Thinking to We-Thinking & Build a Healthy Thriving Organization - winner of the Bronze Award in the Leadership Category of the 2008 Axiom Business Book Awards, and The DNA of Leadership; the DVD and Workshop titled The Leadership Secret of Gregory Goose; and edited and contributed to 42 Rule for Creating WE, a newly published Amazon bestseller.

Contact: 212-307-4386

READ OUR PAST NEWSLETTERS
SIGN UP TO RECEIVE OUR NEWSLETTER