Co-creating Conversations & Connectivity

Many of us learn how to talk to each other without graduating to the next level of conversation that enables us to go after and achieve our greatest aspirations with others.

How easy it is to fall into discussions that reinforce what we don't want in our present situation, or focuses on what we think is broken. Coming from lack or scarcity and focusing on fixing our problems rather than feeding our passions and what we want to achieve has become such a human habit that we don't even know we're doing it. It's as though that is the way it has always been.

But turning up connectivity in your workspace creates a powerful energy shift that you can master and author in your relationships. The tool that creates this level of connectivity is co-creating conversations.


Connectivity Within Teams and Organizations

Creating connectivity within a team enables a forward moving power that not only works in the moment to produce syncopated action, but also serves the team members as a fundamental way of being as they interact with each other. 

When teams sync together through co-creating, they are more able to raise the level of their performance. Too often companies "force" alignment in the name of vision and values, rather than inspire it. True connectivity achieved through

co-creating conversations enables alignment to come from within. This creates a level of performance that, if directed toward positive and outrageous goals, consistently brings home medals for the performing team - it can't be forced from without by compliance and coercion.

Once teams and individuals discover true connectivity, they create a broader ripple effect of co-creating behavior with others. Team members begin to listen to connect, and distrust seems to give way to higher levels of bonding and mutual support.

Listening without judgment, sharing ideas without fear of criticism, and with support from associates is co-creating conversations in action. The "been there, done that" or "that idea won't work" type of comments will turn into "let's try that" and "good idea, let's expand on that."

Co-creating conversations is a shift in mindset from protecting what you have to partnering with others to create something bigger than we could have imagined alone. We move from "being right" to seeking new insights for shared success.

Research has shown that making the mindset shift also signals the brain to be open to share and discover with others rather than 'persuade' them of our ideas. This also triggers neurochemicals in the brain - which are called the 'feel good hormones' such as dopamine and oxytocin, which reinforces the open state of mind. In addition, when we start to innovate, our brain also releases serotonin and endorphins, which are part of the brain's reward systems reinforcing the sharing process.

This brain symphony is what moves us from distrust, which releases cortisol - the fear hormone - to trust, which is what releases the beautiful suite of neurochemicals that produce engagement, collaboration and innovation.

Co-creativity, first built on trust, then multiplies into a higher and faster amount of innovation that show up in many surprising ways. It's as though you rise up to a new level in the role you and others play in weaving the tapestry and threads of the topics you are discussing. New insights and new levels of wisdom unfold - surprising insights show up that had been hitherto invisible to you, but now are just in you and your team's consciousness. Using the practices of co-creating conversations enables higher levels of connectivity.

Many people explain moments of connectivity as "a feeling that life is flowing through them. It's a feeling of being on a boat propelled by the force of a river - a current moving you to your next stop on your journey; a blending of control with a higher force propelled by curiosity and discovery."

Unlock your connectivity with co-creating conversations - just listen with support, appreciate each other - unlock the power of connectivity.


Judith E. Glaser is the Author of two best selling business books:
Creating WE: Change I-Thinking to We-Thinking & Build a Healthy Thriving Organization - winner of the Bronze Award in the Leadership Category of the 2008 Axiom Business Book Awards, and The DNA of Leadership; the DVD and Workshop titled The Leadership Secret of Gregory Goose; and editor and contributor of 42 Rule for Creating WE, an Amazon bestseller.

How Disagreements Rock Your World!

Our brains are incredibly sensitive to nuances and meta-messages. Our need to belong and to be important in each others' eyes is strong; yet there are many ways we signal each other that show that we are not. Disagreeing with another's point of view is the case in point.

When we disagree with someone, we are sending very subtle signals about who is up and who is down - who has the power and who does not.

Disagreements in the Workplace

Disagreements lead us right into the dance of power - the "alpha-alpha" dynamic. Conflicts and disagreements in the workplace, set off people and cause tensions about power and status.

Disagreeing with someone is not just "disagreeing with their point of view, or the information they are sharing. Disagreeing can communicate the following "meta-messages" if not careful:

1. I am right, you are wrong.
2. "You stupid idiot" (YSI) - how could you think such thoughts.
3. How could you see the world that way.
4. You must be blind to the truth

Truth-telling Instincts

Human beings have built in hard-wiring for truth-telling. When we disagree - our truth-telling sensitivities are activated - and we feel the truth or the absence of truth at the deepest levels of our being. We all want to trust our observations and beliefs; however, disagreeing can challenge US at the core of who we are. Disagreements are not felt as disagreements about 'facts and data.' Disagreements are about 'whose view of reality is true.'

When we challenge each other's perspectives, we trigger the Amygdala - the part of our primitive brain that is associated with 'fight/flight/freeze or appease.' The neurochemical reaction to conflict goes deeper and permeates other parts of our brain such as the Prefrontal Cortex, which are associated with our 'executive functions.' Conflict is such a powerful trigger, that when 'conflicts and disagreements' arise between us - we get 'Amygdala Hijacked,' which means we get emotionally threatened and triggered!

Get Smart...

Here are some tips for avoiding getting into an unintended conflict with others:

DON'T SAY
Don't say, "yes - but" - and then deliver your perspective.
The "but" negates anything that came before that appeared like an agreement - and turns
the conversation into a combat.


DO SAY
Alternatively, saying "yes - and"
creates an extended conversation that builds on ideas - it says, what you said is really important,
and let's take it one step further. The "and" invites further development of the conversation and expands perspectives. I call this type of conversation "co-creating" and when people in the workplace make a shift to a co-creating style - even when they don't fully agree with others - it moves people away from adversarial behavior and into collegiality.

DON'T SAY
When a colleague or boss uses the phrase "respectfully speaking" it is not generally taken for face value. Instead, it is translated into a way of saying.... "I know I should respect your position" - "BUT" I don't' so here goes with what I think.

 DO SAY
"I understand what you are trying to say - help me with this aspect." I'm having trouble seeing how to get from here to there. This is an invitation to talk more deeply about beliefs or observations, it takes you out of the positional dialogue where you are going back and forth one-upping or arguing about what is right, and it invites people to be open to influence.

Advocating vs. Inquiring

In summary, when we get into conversations that make us feel adversarial. We see people in "persuasion" using high levels of Advocating (their point of view). Sometimes they are Inquiring, however, the intention behind it is to learn what the other person is thinking so you can turn the conversation back to "winning your point."

Sharing and Discovering

As an alternative, "agreements" come more easily when people are open to influence, and when we get into conversations that feel like partnering. Where people share and discover from each other - and where they open the context and framework for both to gain new perspectives. Then agreements are a natural outflow. Even if you agree to disagree - it comes with the spirit of respect.

If you would like to gain more insights into how to have Co-creating Conversations®, how to move from adversaries to partners, please check out my best-selling book Creating WE: Change I-Thinking to WE-Thinking and Build a Healthy Thriving Organization. 

We are pleased to announce that we are now offering Co-Creating Conversations® workshops and certification courses.


Judith E. Glaser is the Author of two best selling business books:

Creating WE: Change I-Thinking to We-Thinking & Build a Healthy Thriving Organization - winner of the Bronze Award in the Leadership Category of the 2008 Axiom Business Book Awards, and The DNA of Leadership; the DVD and Workshop titled The Leadership Secret of Gregory Goose; and editor and contributor of 42 Rule for Creating WE, an Amazon bestseller.

Celebrating What We Have in Common

This year has been a very special year of global and cultural awakening.

While human beings are separated by geographic boundaries, the reality is we have more in common with our far away neighbors than we often realize.

What we have in common is fundamental..... we all have a history, or past, that shapes us. We all have our environment shaping us; and we evolve with an essence of both the power of the past and the power of the present influencing us at the same moment as we engage and connect with others to shape the future.

When we open our minds and hearts..... we will discover we share common beliefs about what it means to be a human being in the world today.

As we focus on what we have in common, this act of connectivity will bring us closer rather than push us away from others. The wisdom of connectivity is true whether we choose to connect to people who are in our own back yard, or choose to connect with those who are thousands and thousands of miles away.

To welcome in the New Year and celebrate what we have in common... please take a moment and view this mesmerizing video... Bobby McFerrin uses global audiences to demonstrate a natural sense of shared understanding and connectivity that moves beyond individual interpretations and centers on what 'we instinctively know to be true.'

Hope you enjoy watching our Vital Instincts™ in Action...  The Pentatonic Scales

Notes about Pentatonic Scales:
Source - Wikipedia

A pentatonic scale is a musical scale with five notes per octave in contrast to a heptatonic (seven note) scale such as the major scale. Pentatonic scales are very common and are found all over the world, including Celtic folk music, Hungarian folk music, West African music, African-American spirituals, American folk music, Jazz, American blues music and rock music, Sami joik singing, children's songs, the music of ancient Greece and the Greek traditional music and songs from Epirus, Northwest Greece and the music of Southern Albania, the tuning of the Ethiopian krar and the Indonesian gamelan, Philippine Kulintang, melodies of Korea, Malaysia, Japan, China, India and Vietnam (including the folk music of these countries), the Andean music, the Afro-Caribbean tradition, Polish highlanders from the Tatra Mountains, and Western Classical composers such as French composer, Claude Debussy. The pentatonic scale is also used on the Great Highland Bagpipe.

The ubiquity of pentatonic scales, specifically anhemitonic modes, can be attributed to the total lack of the most dissonant intervals between any pitches; there are neither any minor seconds (and therefore also no complementary major sevenths) nor any tritones. This means any pitches of such a scale may be played in any order or combination without clashing.

Judith E. Glaser is the Author of two best selling business books:

Creating WE: Change I-Thinking to We-Thinking & Build a Healthy Thriving Organization - winner of the Bronze Award in the Leadership Category of the 2008 Axiom Business Book Awards, and The DNA of Leadership; the DVD and Workshop titled The Leadership Secret of Gregory Goose; and editor and contributor of 42 Rule for Creating WE, an Amazon bestseller.

Blind Spots-A Wake-up Call to Reality

Many of us act as though we all see the same reality, yet the truth is we don't. Human Beings have cognitive biases or blind spots.

Blind spots are ways that our mind becomes blocked from seeing reality as it is - blinding us from seeing the real truth about ourselves in relation to others. Once we form a conclusion, we become blind to alternatives, even if they are right in front of their eyes.

Emily Pronin, a social psychologist, along with colleagues Daniel Lin and Lee Ross, at Princeton University's Department of Psychology, created the term "blind spots."  The bias blind spot is named after the visual blind spot.

Passing the Ball

There is a classic experiment that demonstrates one level of blind spots that can be attributed to awareness and focused-attention. When people are instructed to count how many passes the people in white shirts make on the basketball court, they often get the number of passes correct, but fail to see the person in the black bear suit walking right in front of their eyes. Hard to believe but true!

Take awareness test!

Blind Spots & Denial

However, the story of blind spots gets more interesting when we factor in our cognitive biases that come from our social needs to look good in the eyes of others.

When people operate with blind spots, coupled with a strong ego, they often refuse to adjust their course even in the face of opposition from trusted advisors,  or incontrovertible evidence to the contrary.

Two well-known examples of blind spots are Henry Ford and A&P. Ford's success with the Model-T blinded him to the desires of his customers, and gave the fledging General Motors an opportunity to capture a winning share of the automobile market with a broader range of models and options. And the executives at A&P stuck with the grocery chain's private label products even as their customers defected en masse to supermarkets that carried the national brands they saw advertised on TV.

Recovery

The good news is that companies can recover from denial; even when they seem permanently wedded to their histories, their philosophies, or their belief systems. IBM, which had gotten caught up in its own "bureau-pathology," learned to conquer arrogance and overcome its history and culture, under the leadership of Louis Gerstner.

Intel, DuPont, and Coca-Cola, are more examples of corporations caught in denial traps when launching new products. They demonstrated that when corporate management has strong convictions, or worse yet hubris about their points of view, they can become blind to their customer's needs - needs that are right in front of their very eyes.

Seeing the real truth is an art and a science. When we get the balance right between what we think is true and what is really true - we are managing our blind spots with integrity, and wisdom.

Fortunately, these well-known brands did not live in denial very long. It was only a passing phase, and they recovered from it by revisiting reality with an open mind. Blind spots explain why the "smartest people in the room" (as Enron's top executives were famously called) can sometimes be very dumb. They do not see the light - they are not open to changing their minds.

The Power of Coaching to Dissolve Blind Spots

Denial and Blind spots are one of the primary reasons why Executive Coaching is so vital for leaders, and why peer coaching is equally important for employees to practice. Coaching can effectively uncover and deal with blind spots and denial and give the decision-makers a fresh perspective on how to handle executive challenges.

Coaching can also help individuals gain a broader and more 'realistic perspective' about situations and themselves. Executive, Team and Organizational Coaching can help leaders calibrate with the world around them, giving them reality checkpoints that position them  to navigate the real world with wisdom and insight.

From time to time, we all need a wake-up call to be sure that we do not allow ourselves to confuse our denial maps with the actual territory.

Check Yourself

Here are 7 Common Blind spots:

1. Denial of Reality - Feeling so strong about our own beliefs that we deny the beliefs of others, or deny facts right in front of our eyes.
2. Control - Seeing ourselves as being more responsible for things than we actually are, or having more control over things and events than we truly do.
3. Made-Up Memories - Making decisions based on memories that did not happen. Often we confuse our imaginations, or our dreams, with reality.  
4. Reality Distortions - Distorting reality to conform to preconceptions.
5. Know it All - Thinking that we know more than what we really do. (We simply don't know what we don't know.)
6. Listening Only to Validate What We Know -  Failure to listen to others.
7. Undervaluing What We Do Know - Listening too much to others, and allowing others' beliefs to talk us out of our beliefs; or in some cases cause us not to trust our instincts.

Neuro-tips: Removing Blind Spots 

Tip #1 - It Takes Thought to Learn

The brain does not always allow us to hear all the facts if they do not fit our prior understanding of a concept. To learn new facts, you must be actively open to accepting opposition.

Tip #2 - Effectively Working Together
Partners who were considered controlling were perceived as critical and rude, and their advice was generally rejected and not trusted. When the same partners showed appreciation, a feeling of rapport and trust developed, creating a deep 'WE-centric' bond.

Meaningful Communication Prevents Fear

NEURO-TIP: Successful communication has the ability to meld minds through the experience of neural coupling, which is experienced when the listener’s brain mirrors the activity of the speaker’ brain.*

As you step up into higher levels of leadership, the challenges undoubtedly multiply. One of the most significant challenges will be managing the increase in the number of interactions and new relationships that come with leading a larger team of say 100 to even 1,000.


Staying connected and sustaining relationships while driving for results across a growing employee base is a hurdle, but it must be jumped to successfully hit the ground running as an influential leader in any company. Taking the time for personal interactions with employees is how good leaders of the past became great leaders in history.


It is a leader’s thoughtful interactions with their team that will create an environment balanced with both personal communication and results driven communication; this is ultimately at the heart of being a “humanizing leader.”


It’s amazing how often I find leaders trapped into thinking the higher they go up the corporate ladder, the tougher they need to be. Ironically, the opposite is actually true.


As leadership titles get bigger – from director to VP to EVP to CEO – they increase in the weight they carry, which is also known as positional power (discussed further in this older post). As a result of this growth, the members of the leader’s team tend to refrain from healthy push back and from challenging his/her authority. To offset these sorts of problems associated with positional power, leaders need to thoughtfully connect with their employees at a more personal level and encourage open and honest conversation.


These are a few identifiers that may help you evaluate if your employees fear your positional power:

• Perpetual deference to your authority
• Fear of speaking up
• Avoiding talking about challenges and difficult issues – fear of disappointing the boss

Ask Yourself where You Stand
How can you build an environment where people feel safe to speak up, to challenge issues together, and to put difficult conversations on the table? How can you create an environment that thrives on the humanity?


Practices for yourself:

• Remember that relationships are the building blocks for success
• Catch yourself criticizing people
• Make it a habit to find what can be appreciated in every person

Practices with your staff:

• Point out things people are doing well
• Cultivate an environment that’s safe for people to speak honestly and openly with one another
• Be specific about what you’re giving others feedback on
• Be timely with your feedback, and sensitive to its impact
• Give coaching in private

*Biological Sciences - Neuroscience - Social Sciences - Psychological and Cognitive Sciences:
· Greg J. Stephens,
· Lauren J. Silbert,
· and Uri Hasson
Speaker–listener neural coupling underlies successful communication PNAS 2010 107 (32) 14425-14430; published ahead of print July 26, 2010, doi:10.1073/pnas.1008662107

How is Your World Labeled?

I was destined to be a child psychologist. I did my Research Fellowship in Child Development and was heading into a Ph.D. program in Human Behavior and Development - and then I had a change of mind.

I lived in Kansas at the time, and my husband Rich was getting his Ph.D. in Medicinal, Bio and Pharmaceutical Chemistry - and I took a job at the Bess Stone Center, a Center for Mentally Disabled Adults. On my first day at work, I was introduced to Larry, a 24-year-old mentally challenged adult. He was very tall and thin. Perhaps the most striking feature of his appearance was the wide suspenders that held up his pants. His teeth protruded and his head was over-sized. 

"His name is Larry," Mary Jean said to me. "He is 24 but has the mind of a 2-year-old." He doesn't talk. He just grunts. As she spoke those words, his head tilted, and I immediately knew he understood her harsh words. Larry looked different, and even though his outward appearance was unusual; I was about to learn that there was much wisdom beneath his surface.

Larry, who did not possess the ability to communicate through words, put his talents to work. He made an invention by inserting the 'foil' from the inside of a ketchup bottle top into a clothespin. Larry could gaze into the small foil 'rear view mirror' for a fully encompassing view of the world. He used his invention to watch the man who came to polish our floors once a week. Larry watched the up-and-down motion in his 'rear-view' mirror, and once his mind mapped the rhythm he was able to imitate floor polishing even when the polisher was not there.

I asked him if he wanted to 'try it' and sure enough, Larry polished the floors everyday and became the best floor polishers ever. Then he took me outside and motioned with his arms that he wanted to polish the grass. After it clicked in, I realized he wanted to transfer his new found skills to learn to mow the grass. And he did. He became the best grass mower we had ever seen!

Larry's energy and passion for learning became contagious. Soon enough, everyone at the Bess Stone Center became alive in a new way. Bertha wanted to play the piano, and she did, in her own way. Albert wanted to have 'money in his pocket' and so Mary Jean gave him money to carry to the store for food shopping. Mark wanted to build a house, and so we gave him some wood to build a miniature house which upon its completion was donated by the Bess Stone Center to its 'sister home' for mentally disabled children. The local newspaper heard about the change at Bess Stone and wrote a feature story, which greatly inspired our small town in Kansas. 

Larry taught me about trust. Rather than see him as a 'retarded adult' with no capabilities to do much of anything, I saw him as a whole, creative human being. At the movement of contact, I experienced him as someone special, someone I wanted to get to know and understand, and someone of value.  Larry changed my life. He was one of the reasons I wanted to understand more about how our minds work, how our brains work, and why we do what we do.

Music to Your Ears

We can acquire wisdom from everyone. A man sat at a Metro station in Washington, D.C. and started to play the violin; it was a cold January morning. He played six Bach pieces for about 45 minutes. During that time, since it was rush hour, it was calculated that thousands of people went through the station, most of them on their way to work.

Three minutes went by and a middle-aged man noticed there was musician playing. He slowed his pace and stopped for a few seconds and then hurried on to meet his schedule.

A minute later, the violinist received his first dollar tip: a woman threw money into the till and without stopping, continued to walk.

A few minutes later, someone leaned against the wall to listen to him, but the man looked at his watch and started to walk again. Clearly, he was late for work.

The one who paid the most attention was a 3-year-old boy. His mother tagged him along, hurried but the kid stopped and looked at the violinist. Finally, the mother pushed hard, and the child continued to walk, turning his head all the time. Several other children repeated this action, yet all the parents, without exception, forced them to move on.

In the 45 minutes the musician played, only six people stopped and stayed for a while. About 20 gave him money but continued to walk their normal pace. He collected $32. When he finished playing and silence took over, no one noticed it. No one applauded, nor was there any recognition.

No one knew this but the violinist was Joshua Bell, one of the best musicians in the world. He played one of the most intricate pieces ever written with a violin worth 3.5 million dollars.

Two days before his playing in the subway, Joshua Bell sold out at a theater in Boston, and the seats averaged $100.

This is a real story. Joshua Bell played incognito in the Metro station and was organized by the Washington Post as part of a social experiment about perception, taste and priorities of people. 

Think about the labels that frame your world - narrow your appreciation, and stop you from seeing others through a lens of their strengths.

• How do labels influence you?
• What do you perceive and why?
• Do you stop to appreciate what is going on around you?
• What blinds you? What influences your sense of reality?
• Do you recognize the talents of others in an unexpected context?

Judith E. Glaser is the Author of two best selling business books:

Creating WE: Change I-Thinking to We-Thinking & Build a Healthy Thriving Organization - winner of the Bronze Award in the Leadership Category of the 2008 Axiom Business Book Awards, and The DNA of Leadership; the DVD and Workshop titled The Leadership Secret of Gregory Goose; and editor and contributor of 42 Rule for Creating WE, an Amazon bestseller.

Set the Context for Community

NEURO-TIP: When we say ‘no’ or reject people, our bodies go into self-defense, turning on our proactive-disengagement system, but when we say ‘yes’, our bodies turn on the social engagement system that connects us to others.*

As you reflect on the condition of your organization’s culture, you must understand the dynamic tension between protecting what you have and creating what you aspire to have. Understanding the pushes and pulls of these tensions gives you a better handle on driving energy in positive ways and reducing the negative pull of downward spirals.

Consider the following 'I' vs. 'WE' behaviors that might be holding back your organization from becoming what you know it can be:

I-Centric
Exclusive: Power-over
1. Only talk to those one level up; corner office; get my coffee
2. Senior executives own the strategy; information kept close to the vest
3. Using status to impress; keep the distance
4. Exclusion; closed doors
5. Lack of respect

WE-Centric
Inclusive: Power-with
1. Senior executives discuss the strategy with employees
2. Information about company’s health, wealth and business strategy shared with employees
3. Employees included in change process; involved, engaged, empowered
4. Inclusion, open door policy
5. Respect abounds

To shift an organization from exclusion to inclusion, a leader must be willing to help people understand the direction of the company and how to be a part of creating success. Discourage “we-they” thinking.

Help reduce your co-workers fear and stress caused by exclusion by cultivating an inclusive work environment. Set a positive and inclusive tone and help people feel that they are all working together toward common goals and strategies. Create a sense of “WE are all in this together.”

How does your company fair on the inclusion/exclusion spectrum? What are the practices that are holding back company progress without you even realizing it?


*Neuro-tip Source:
Receptive-Reactive State of Being
Mindsight
Researcher: Daniel Siegl, MD
July 2010