We are all Pattern Makers...

Some of us have worked in organizations where telling others what to do is the norm. Maybe you've grown up in a family where parents lectured you about what is right and wrong, and you've brought that skill into work.

Lecturing takes many forms. In some organizations, we go to meetings where people give presentations using PowerPoint. We are expected to 'talk' our stories so others know what is on our minds or what is important. We give business updates to one another to keep one another informed. Lectures, and all the variations can become the norm. Even email and Blackberry - if out of balance with real talk, can become a form of lecturing at others.

Some telling is normal, but too much telling becomes hyper-lecturing making listeners tune out. Moreover, to compound the situation, we think that because we have 'told someone what to do' they get it the way we intended it, so we move on to the next point we want to make rather than checking back for understanding.

Telling has a place in communicating, yet this pattern can turn off and disengage our brains, our relationships and our culture from reality. It doesn't stop with the two people who are interacting. The message communicates "my way or the highway" or "do as I say," or even "status quo" which can ripple throughout a team, and organization and become the cultural norm.

Tone Deaf and Blind

The consequence of this pattern is that people stop really listening to one another. They become so focused on telling what is on their minds, that they become tone deaf to the cues and clues that others are sending back about the discussions on the table. The important connection between the two people becomes broken, and they lose their natural syncing, rapport and more so - their empathy for one another.

One-way conversations have associated neurochemistries that actually reinforce the talking-at pattern. It feels great to be self-expressed, and the more we do it the more we want to do it. Talking at others feels good. There is a feedback loop to pleasure centers in the brain, increasing our appetite, and we want more.

Yet we know from our research that every 12-18 seconds listeners stop listening. Their brains need to take a break and digest. When they are being talked at non-stop, their brains need to integrate and make sense of what is being said. Consequently they tune-out and process the information they have heard.

Lecturing has its side effects. If you are a leader and want to develop your colleague's abilities, capabilities, and performance, you need to know that lecturing rarely develops another's ability to perform better. Lecturing is a monologue, a one-way conversation.

More often than not, the lecturer does not notice that they have left the listener behind. They are so engrossed in speaking that they do not realize the listener is off on their own mental journey. One-way conversations tire the brain. We tune out and turn off. Two-way conversations allow the brain to breathe and process at the same time.

Lecturing Our Way to Success

Awareness of the lecturing pattern can have a dramatic impact on your life. Ask yourself the following questions and when you find the answers, create your own action plan for change. Do your experiments every day.

Questions to Reflect On:

• What are the communication patterns you are establishing with others?
• Which are habits you are not aware of?
• What is the impact of these patterns on your relationships?
• Who has been open with you and told you that you were not communicating?
• How did you respond to these courageous people?
• Are you open to listening? Are you open to feedback?
• Are you inviting people to share feedback with you?

Communication Habit Patterns are the spine of a culture. We often don't see them - yet they are the fabric that holds us together. For more insights into Habit Patterns, read Creating WE: Change I-Thinking to WE-Thinking and Build a Healthy Thriving Organization



Judith E. Glaser is the Author of two best selling business books:

Creating WE: Change I-Thinking to We-Thinking & Build a Healthy Thriving Organization - winner of the Bronze Award in the Leadership Category of the 2008 Axiom Business Book Awards, and The DNA of Leadership; and the DVD and Workshop titled The Leadership Secret of Gregory Goose
Contact: 212-307-4386

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Something Happened, and It All Changed...

Looking back, we can all see what shaped our lives. Was it our parents, our teachers, or our best friends? Was it the good experiences, or the bad? Was it our genes or fate? Was it the labels or the stories about us, or both?

Our stories are important. The labels we use to describe ourselves - make a difference. How we combine our labels into our stories - make a difference.

Understanding how labels and stories shape our identity is vital to our growth and development.

Here's a story (my story) ... See how this process works....

Growing up, I loved to make things. I did a lot of crafts in school, and soon discovered I liked to knit and crochet. My teachers didn't like it, because by the time I was in junior high (a/k/a middle school), I would bring my knitting to school and do it in class. One year I made a sweater a week. That was the first time I learned I had such high achievement needs.

At home I started to make clothes. Not just make them. Design them. I'd buy a pattern and fabric, and then work with the basic patterns to transform them into something different and much more wonderful than what appeared on the pattern package. This is where I learned to design and to create wonderful things that didn't exist before. I loved my crafts and I loved my designing, and knew it was a part of who I was and who I would become.

But not everyone saw it my way. My parents didn't understand my joy and my passion for designing. They used to say that when I worked in my room for hours at a time I was 'escaping reality' and was 'living in a fantasy world.' They saw this as bad and wrong, and even when I wore my beautiful designs, I knew they still labeled me as 'escaping reality'.

Over time, I assumed my role in the family. I was the rebel and outcast. I didn't feel appreciated for what I was or who I was becoming. In my reaction to the labels, I challenged authority - especially parental authority - learning more about ways one child could get punished than most would ever want to know. Now I see, looking back, why I have such a need to understand positive psychology, and appreciative inquiry. The good can come from the bad.

Things That Stick

Being labeled an outcast, or a problem child sticks really hard, as all pejorative labels do. When parents - or teachers - or bosses label us judgmentally, negatively, or harshly it sticks. It doesn't roll off our backs so easily. Negative labels actually create the same reaction in the brain as when we break a leg, except social pain stays longer, and takes longer to go away. It stays around and we ruminate on it, we build stories around it, and others build stories around it. The gossip mills are filled with larger than life stories that started with one person labeling another person harshly.

Until I was 16, I was the outcast and rebel. I got into lots of trouble, and got punished regularly. I didn't see my future as quite rosy or bright. While I wanted to be a designer, or an author or artist (had I the talent), my parents saw my future as schoolteacher or mother, summers off, raise the kids, stay home. Being an artist or designer was like being a beatnik or bum.

Then it all changed...

One Friday night, my dad, who was a dentist, brought home a patient to join us for Friday night dinner. This patient was special. It turns out, she was Claude Reins wife, the wife of a famous actor; but she didn't treat us different, and we didn't treat her differently. We just enjoyed her enjoying us.

To tell the truth, that dinner was more than a dinner; not at all because she was famous. It was the conversation we had that night. I still remember where I sat, and what she said.

"Judy, what are you going to do after graduation?" She asked. My eyes opened wide, my heart started to beat. It was the horrible question that everyone asked me, that I didn't yet know how to answer. I knew what I liked, and knew what I loved, but these things were labeled bad.

"I'm not sure yet," I told her. "I'll figure it out." Thinking I could move the conversation over to something else, I said, "Could someone pass the potatoes." "Well, what do you like to do, she asked?" A question I didn't expect. "Well," I said quietly, "I love to design clothes." "And where do you do this designing," she asked.

I looked from side to side to see if my parents were frowning with dismay. Seeing that their glares were a bit more neutral than usual, I told her that I had a room upstairs where I did my work. "Can you show me?" she asked.

Before I realized it, we were climbing the stairs to my special room. I had half finished dresses hanging from the closet doors, always left ajar. This day I had more works in progress laying on the floor and others on the small sitting lounge.

My sewing machine was active with a skirt in progress, things were all around, and she could set it first hand... This was my joy.

"Wow!" She said, "This is amazing. You are truly a designer, young lady. Show me each one at a time. I am quite impressed."

I don't remember much more of our conversation, or how long it lasted. What I do remember is coming down the stairs feeling different, feeling like I was walking on a cloud, feeling so warm and good inside.

"Your daughter is a fashion designer," she said. "You should be so proud of her! I would be."

That was when everything changed. For the first time, the negative label just fell on the floor, like dropping a frock, and I could step into another dress that made me beautiful - mostly in my own eyes.

"You should send her to Toby Coburn School of Fashion Design," she blurted out to my parents. It's the best in the city." I saw my parents blank stares back at her. They either didn't know what she was talking about - or were shocked that she adorned me with such positive praise. The conversation went on; I don't remember much more after that, except everything changed.

Labels - How do they help you see? What do they help you see?

What are the labels we use with each other - with our friends, with our colleagues, or with our family? How do we see each other - define each other - think of each other? Labels give definition to our relationships. They set into place the parameters, of how we will engage - or not engage. They create blind spots - true blind spots - and cause us to look for more proof that our labels are right.

• What labels do you need to examine at work?
• What labels need changing?
• What would happen if you changed a label - reversed a label - or took a label away all together?

Try it at work! Try it at home! Do your experiment, and then let me know what happens!

The more we see each other in positive terms, the more we enable each person to step into their most positive self. The more we see each other through negativity, the more we feel unfairly judged and feel resentful. Resentment breeds resentment and turns into toxic places to work.

Use the labels in your life to create a palette of colors in the world you want to live in. Design your world. Create your world...and make it the best you can!


Judith E. Glaser is the Author of two best selling business books:

Creating WE: Change I-Thinking to We-Thinking & Build a Healthy Thriving Organization - winner of the Bronze Award in the Leadership Category of the 2008 Axiom Business Book Awards, and The DNA of Leadership; and the DVD and Workshop titled The Leadership Secret of Gregory Goose

Contact: 212-307-4386

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